hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
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shit just got real
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me