9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
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This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
March 16
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.