I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
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If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same