My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
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In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me