Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
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Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
This sounds bad:
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
What a kind woman! 😂😂
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My five year plan is a meteorite