I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
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Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
You got this…
I feel like one of these would kill a European
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
no regrets
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.