Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
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ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children