*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
You Might Also Like
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Science memes
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?