A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
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If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*