Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
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[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Just a phase…
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD