At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
You Might Also Like
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Thoughts
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird