Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil