A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
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Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Oh deer
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I love snow
– People who never shovel
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.