“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
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Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?