Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
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I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no