A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
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When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.