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her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
never compromise your values
I’ve had worse
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…