“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
finally found a reasonable question
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
When you can’t find your friend Neil
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?