Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
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If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Woke up against my better judgment again
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”