doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
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If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.