t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
You Might Also Like
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Dune (2021)
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.