Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
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If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I feel seen.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead