If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.