I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
You Might Also Like
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.