My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
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Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol