Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
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“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
The Backseat Boys
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Introverted vegans go meetless
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
And that about sums it up.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.