Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
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*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!