“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
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I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.