Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
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I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.