I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
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Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?