My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
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My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
pls suprot
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them