Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
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I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Got him!
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
In banana years, I am bread.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
BRAKING NEWS!!
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂