Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
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I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Worth the read.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.