Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
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ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head