*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
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just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.