“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
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*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces