Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.