the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”