TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
You Might Also Like
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake