therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
You Might Also Like
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean