There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Not today, today.
Not today.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
bears
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*