If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
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*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.