He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
You Might Also Like
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
If a snake ate a cake
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Sounds like a bargain
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.