fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.