We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
How software testing works
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Breaking news:
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.