7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
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The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
The little toadstool has spoken.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.