When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Them: You should try keto
Me:
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.