*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing