M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
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me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
How to wake up a Beagle
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich