Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
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I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
6. me as a lawyer
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
And that about sums it up.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.